Although we did solemnly swear never to perform together in public again, and even though we loathe each other and every rehearsal ends up with dirty-bitch-fighting whiskey-fueled brawls, we, the Broadway Baloney Slims have decided to put our differences behind us and try to play nice together, for the sake of Chinese New Years and our dear old friends at Duckduck (who aren't actually old but are young and good-looking).
153 Montrose, L train to Montrose
When: Saturday February 9, 2013
Free dumplings and free Tsing Tao beer 8-9 pm
Broadway Baloney Slims at 9 pm
DJ Tatum Neill at 10
Also: fortune cookies, snake masks, gongs, culturally inspired cocktails, dragon dance.
Gussying up is encouraged, and wear red for good luck in the new year!
No cover, but none of the Baloney Slims has the strength of heart to turn down a drink, if someone else is buying.
That said, we have been known to indulge in too much liquid fun, sometimes to our detriment. For example, our last show, at Lucky Dog bar in Brooklyn, we had a great time but were ultimately kicked out for disorderly conduct (Buffie Baloney had previously been expelled from the same bar for engaging in lewd behavior on the shuffleboard table). Undeterred from our revelry, we camped on the corner of Bedford and Metropolitan where Baloney Birmingham and Broadway Frank, too drunk to remember any song except "Hot Tamales", played it over and over and over, forcing Buffie Baloney to sing it until she was exhausted and embarrassed, and was driven not just from the corner, but from the band entirely.
In despair, Buffie abandoned music and instead, turned to the love of the Lord and entered the convent, where she felt she could most effectively purify her wretched soul. However, Sister Baloney lasted only a few months on this noble path. Although the details of her excommunication from the church have not been disclosed, rumor has it that she organized a "Nuns Gone Wild" field trip to local strip club Pumps, where the Sisters all shed their habits and had a grand time. Sister Baloney was found in the bed of a nearby pickup truck, drunk and allegedly "starkers" at 3 pm on a Sunday.
Former band member Broadway Frank also retired from music: the day after the Lucky Dog show he robbed a bank and fled to Honduras where he is living like a king, but is suffering from colon problems due to overindulgence in coconut products and young natives. He has been replaced by Stinky Slims, who was cloned from a hangnail inside one of Birmingham's winter gloves, which he will never need again. We are very proud of Stinky who, although more than a little bit slow in the gourd, has been doing quite well on the washboard, which, let's face it, was designed for ijits like him.
As for Broadway Frank, he tried to follow his other dream, of being a professional breeder of Pedigreed Hamsters, and was enjoying some measure of success, when he was sued by Buffie Baloney for everything he was worth, because of a new breed he created, which was named and marketed as, "Baloneybutt Buffie". Although Frank claims he meant the title fondly, Ms Baloney was not amused and won the ensuing legal battle, which put Frank out of business, which is really all she wanted, so that he would be forced to rejoin the band for the show this Saturday. Though Frank claimed at the time that he would put a bullet through her frontal lobe if she ever came near him again, they have since reconciled and are able to rehearse together peaceably, so long as Buffie does not come within 10 feet of Frank or look him directly in the eye. And that, dear friends, about covers it. Come to the show if you're the kind of gal or fella that likes to have a good time, and if you ain't, then have fun laundering your socks or shaving your backside or whatever else you need to do.
Love and kisses,