My name, chosen and given to me at birth by my father, has been Buffie Roseanne Gilbert. The Gilbert tribe is a shadowy one. We have bad, bad luck. The Gilbertses are all cursed and what's more, we deserve it. Down through history we've been nothing but scalawags, rogues and ne'er-do-wells; we've been horse thieves, worm farmers, drug smugglers, drunks, and degenerate musicians. I now cast off my name of Gilbert along with all the bad luck and baggage that comes with it.
This epiphany came to me at about 3 am one morning without much ado, and the next day I began asking asking folks to call me Buffie Roseanne. Because the most common response to this request has been "have you, at last, gone totally bonkers, Buff?", I feel that I ought to explain, even though I can in no way prove that I'm not bonkers.
I'd been dissatisfied with the name of Gilbert for quite awhile, but felt some vague sense of obligation to it, which I thought could only be honorably escaped by the act of marriage. However
1) no one in their right mind would marry me
2) no one in their wrong mind would marry me either, and I've asked a few
3) I have yet to meet a man who is a)willing to marry me. b) has an exciting, unique and phonetically pleasing last name and c) is healthy and strong and terribly handsome, charming yet sincere, loyal yet not possessive, honest yet sensitively so, who is a Stallion in bed, who wants to get it on at any time I like which is pretty much any time, is reliable, trustworthy, considerate, has vast emotional depth, boundless passion, and a pleasing body odor, who is a gentleman, likes to cook, and is devoted to me utterly.
But I've decided that the ball & chain just ain't worth it, and besides, I can't bear the burden of being a Gilbert for one more moment. So please don't call me Gilbert, and if any damn fool wants to marry me, you're going to have to prove your love by changing your name to Mr Roseanne.
Please post your ideas for my new middle name as a comment or send me a message. It need not be a proper or traditional name in any way.
Buffie Blank Roseanne